


kiss away your worries

by UnknownNumber



Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Body Image, Insecurity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:22:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28242330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnknownNumber/pseuds/UnknownNumber
Summary: Of course he is okay, that is why Nick is going to start eating less and less everyday.Nick is perfect, and he is only one who sees something wrong.
Relationships: Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 29
Kudos: 435





	1. the mirror is overly honest

**Author's Note:**

> my twitter : @surelynotcrazy
> 
> all comments are appreciated :)
> 
> (even criticism I promise)

Nick stood shirtless staring at the full sized mirror in the corner of him and Clay's shared bedroom. He pursed his lips and did a miniature hop. Everything jiggled slightly. He did it once more. His chest lifted up and fell with a distinctly unnatural manner. He gently lifted his left arm and shook it. his lower arm was fine, but the inch of fat that hung off his upper arm was concerning. One more shake, one more punch to his already beaten self esteem. He looked at his fingers. Sure, they weren't "fat" exactly. But they were short and looked distinctly soft. Nick shook his head, as if disagreeing with his own thoughts, and lowered his arm. He could hear Clay downstairs messing with utensils, before there was a small crash and a surge of expletives. Nick returned to the mirror. He gently tapped on the surface of stomach. It just dipped under the pressure, so he pressed more, and more. It never seemed to stop. He stood straight, stretching the canvas of his torso out. That made him thinner. He sucked in as much as his lungs would allow, and he looked fairly decent. Maybe if he just...

Clay burst into the room, panting as if he had just completed a marathon. His hair was tussled, and had evidence of flour scattered in it. He looked near crazed the way he stood in the doorway holding a spatula with passion in his eyes. He sat down the spatula on the dresser, and took three long strides to Nick who was just staring at his boyfriend. He was shirtless as well, and his collarbones had the same traces of flour that his hair had. When he reached Nick, he did a small stretch, his ribs began to poke gently from his chest, before he did a deep huff and attached himself to Nick. 

His deft fingers pressed into Nick's hips, he pressed his flat stomach and sturdy chest right against Nick's body, before he blew a fat nasty raspberry against Nick's forehead. Nick just scowled in return, trying to escape his boyfriends antics, pulling his fingers from his pudgy stomach. It was to no avail. As soon as he had his boyfriend's leach like fingers off his stomach they were cradling his back and pulling him close again. He grabbed his boyfriend by the wrists and held both of their hands in between them. He stared at Clay. Clay stared at him. And his stupid ugly Adonis type boyfriend stuck his tongue out at him. At that he giggled and relaxed his grip on the other's wrists, which instantly went back to pressing on his sides with his grabby hands. He rested his head on his boyfriend's collarbones. He forgot all about the mirror. He just took a deep breath and appreciated the way that his boyfriend was half human half furnace. Within ten seconds of them hugging he began to feel flushed from having direct contact against him. 

He opened his eyes and stared at the flour on his boyfriend's body. "Did you get into a scuffle with the flour monster?" Clay just let out a disgruntled groan in return. 

"I was just trying to make pancakes, because you love pancakes, and then the bag fell, and I caught it, of course! But when I was catching it I bumped into the lazy susan, and when I bumped into the lazy sus-" Nick just began to gently hush his boyfriend. He tended to ramble if not given an indication when to stop. Nick backed up from the other, again pulling his fingers of steel away from his blubber. He smirked slightly, and looked him in the eyes. 

"Should I come help you?" His boyfriend haughtily puffed his chest up in response.

"I do not need any help!"

Nick quirked his eyebrows and blinked at him. 

"Okay, I may need help"

He stared harder. 

"I definitely need help." Nick giggled sweetly and gently shoved his boyfriend towards the bedroom door.

"I'll meet you down there, and take the spatula!" His boyfriend gave some finger guns before doing a spin and skipping out of the room. 

Nick glanced over the mirror. He took a deep breath in, he could not see his ribs even the tiniest bit. Nick recollected on how his boyfriend hardly stretched to his ribs. He brought his finger to poke at his hidden ribcage until he heard another crash from downstairs. This time it sounded like bowls? Nick smiled and forgot about the whole rib ordeal in favor of jogging out of their bedroom and down the staircase. When he got down there, Clay looked up at him with wide eyes. He had someone gotten _more_ flour on him, and now sat surrounded by varying sizes of metal mixing bowls, spatula still in hand. Nick crossed his arms and tried to make the most motherly face he could. 

"No you weren't there! When I was grabb-"

Nick just busted out laughing at the whole scene. He was bent over, chest almost touching his knees, guffawing at his boyfriends obvious issues in the kitchen. Clay just sat in his circle of bowls and pouted at Nick's reaction. He aggressively pointed his spatula at Nick; which only made the situation 10x funnier and Nick fell to the ground laughing. He was just laying on the floor giggling for at least a minute straight. By the time that he had come out of hysteria, the other had picked up all of his bowls and was sat at the kitchen table, with a distinctly unhappy smile plastered on his face. Nick rose from his spot and stumbled over, only to have Clay pinch his stomach fat and put him in a headlock before he even comprehended what happened. His laughter disappeared, and he was into fighting mode. He struggled for a couple seconds, before he just relaxed his body and let his boyfriend let his guard down. As soon as the opportunity was given, he pushed his boyfriend towards the couch, before he completely tackled him into it. His boyfriend fell with a heavy oof and a chuckle. They both laid there for a moment before they switched who was on the top. Nick laid flat on the L portion on the sofa, and Clay crawled up and rested his head on his open stomach. Getting comfortable almost instantly. While he was laying there, Clay began to gently rub Nick's tummy, which just make Nick tense up. Clay noticed immediately, stopping his movements. he glanced up. 

"Is there something wrong?"

Nick did not want to lie, but he knew how his boyfriend would react if he said he felt fat. "Just a little ticklish"

His boyfriend smiled and went back to laying against Nick's plush stomach. He seemed to content to just lay there and fall asleep. Nick rubbed his hair affectionately, humming the rhythm to we fell in love in october. After cuddling for around ten minutes, Nick returned to the idea of food, "Do you still want to make pancakes?"

His boyfriend just grumbled and shook his head. The pricks of hunger were beginning to touch his stomach, but he ignored them, telling himself that maybe it would help him lose some weight if he didn't eat breakfast today. 

Nick returned to rubbing his boyfriend head, until he felt the telltale signs of his boyfriend going to sleep. After he was sure he was asleep, Nick closed his eyes and let himself fall into a slumber. 


	2. compare and contrast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Nick was good looking, the other was ethereal

The rest of the day that included the fight with the flour demon consisted of cuddles, ordering food for lunch and dinner, and more cuddles. When they eventually headed upstairs, Clay laid in bed, eyes droopy and yawning frequently, making grabby hands at Nick. He knew what he wanted. Nick always laid on his partner at night, as that was found to be more comfortable for them. His head rested on Clay's chest and their legs tangled together, making them fit together like a puzzle piece. Staring at his boyfriend, he began to feel self aware, realized just how much he must weigh. Especially dead weight at night, laying on Clay's entire body while he tried to sleep. Clay sat up , giving Nick a stern look, before doing his grabby hands again. Nick just stood there staring at him, until Clay began to look confused, slapping his pecs as if to say "you go here." Nick let out a gentle smile, before he walked over and give his boyfriend a gentle peck to the lips.

"I need to go to the bathroom bubs." Clay crunched his nose up into a pout, but just laid back down to wait for Nick. At that, he vacated the bedroom and wandered into the bathroom. There he closed the door softly and triple checked that he locked it. He looked in the mirror, staring at his body for just a moment, before shaking his head and moving over to the toilet. After doing his business, Nick washed his hands and noticed something preventing the cabinet under the sink from closing, and when he investigated, he realized it was a scale. Meant to check people's weight. He pulled it out and sat it on the tiles, sitting next to the device. He clicked the button at the very top, and the screen read **Previous Weight** and then displayed the number **175.3**. That was Clay's past weight, for sure. He was near perfect, Nick was sure. His boyfriend was an Adonis. With his high cheekbones and his defined jawline, impressive height and nice build, he attracted attention from just about everyone who had eyes in a public place. That is when Nick stood from where he sat and placed his feet on the two silver strips on the scale. It loaded for a moment, before presenting the number **201.1**. That made Nick feel faint to the head. Sure he was built, with the body of a past football player it was hard not to be, but the number still made his heart race. He glanced at the mirror again, he scanned himself up and down. He was broad shouldered, with almost no curves in his waist area, and plush thighs. His cheekbones were hardly distinguishable, and his jawline was almost completely hidden unless he tilted his head sharply. He did have smooth skin, and his hair was downy soft, but that did not change the conclusion he had come to. He was fat. Maybe if he looked at in in a brighter light he could say that he was just a little chubby, and big boned, but that did not change the decision he had made. He snapped out of his pessimistic thoughts to the sound of wailing from the bedroom. Nick nearly tore the door down, staring at Clay with petrified eyes, who was just sitting there with a big pout on his face. 

"What in the hell was that for?"

"You were in there for a century at least, and I can't sleep without you, and you had already flushed, and you were still taking forever, but it didn't sound like you fell, but you were-"

"I get the idea babes, I'm done now."

He chuckled before moving to stand next to the bed. Clay had laid back down, and did his grabby hands once again. The number flashed in his mind. 200 pounds on his boyfriend's body all night, so he could be comfortable. Instead of laying on his boyfriend, he just pushed him over and slid next to him. Turning his back to him to avoid confrontation. That did not last long at all. Clay immediately sat up on one elbow, and Nick could feel his eyes drilling a hole right through his skull. His boyfriend gently placed his hand on Nick's upper arm, shaking him. 

"Yes?" Nick barely turned his head. Clay just shook harder. Nick turned his body slightly. "What?" Again, his entire body wobbled with the power behind his boyfriend's shaking. This time he flipped his entire body around so that he could look him in the eye. Clay just gave a big smile, before slipping one arm under Nick's body, one arm above and pulling him so that he laid Nick on top of himself. He seemed satisfied after that, wrapping his arms as if to assure that Nick would not be escaping and closing his eyes. 

"Babe" No response from him. "Hey!" He smiled but did not open his eyes. "Clay!" That made his eyes open widely, fear clear in the mossy green irises. "The light is still on nimrod."

He just yawned in response, closing his eyes again. "Okay, I'm going to go turn it off." Instantly his boyfriend turned into a boa constrictor, arms wrapped so tightly around him that he felt that he was on the verge of strangulation. "I'll be back, I'll pinky promise it!" 

His partner's chest vibrated with his response, "and do you promise that you'll lay in this exact same position?"

Nick pondered what to say for a moment, he could just say that he did not want to sleep on him, but that would be a lie. When they first slept in the same bed, Clay realized very quickly that if they were not cuddling when Nick fell asleep, he would latch himself to Clay's form within the next fifteen minutes. He was a cuddlebug, no doubt about it. "Is it not hard to breathe with me on your chest?" When he said that, the only answer he got was Clay taking a massive breath in. "Okay well I guess not then"

"So you'll lay here again?"

Nick groaned into his boyfriend's chest, "yes I'll lay here again." Immediately, his arms loosened, and he let Nick go to turn off the light. He could feel his eyes watching him all the way to the switch, and all the way until he stood next to the bed again. More grabby hands, and he eventually just gave up the fight and laid on his chest, nuzzling his face into the warm surface. Clay hummed in contentment, before he seemed to almost immediately fall into a slumber. Nick lied awake for a while, breathing in the soothing smell of Clay before he too gave in to his own sleepiness.

* * *

When he awoke, he was still wrapped up in Clay's arms, though he seemed to have drooled all over his chest, and that made him sit up at speed. This of course led to him moving his legs, which led to him moving his knee, which lead to him waking up his sleeping beauty of a boyfriend with a not so gentle knee to the crotch. Instantly he was awake, curling into the fetal position, eyes looking dazed and confused in all sense of the words. When he made eye contact, he looked as if he had just had the betrayal of a lifetime, tears beginning to well up, and he began to sniffle. After a few moments of shock, Nick was kissing all over his face, rubbing his body everywhere, trying to soothe him in the best way that he could. That went on for a few minutes, before Clay seemed to recover from his trauma, his pain turned into anger. 

"Give me one good reason why you did that."

Nick didn't have a good reason at all, but he might as well tell the truth now, "I drooled on you, and I didn't want to keep spreading it all over your chest."

At that, Clay took a glance at his chest, observing the liquid, before he just gave and unimpressed look in return and stated that he "literally takes a shower every morning, why in the world would it bother me?"

Nick had no comeback to that, as he knew that his boyfriend religiously took morning showers, even if he had never been in the shower with him, he could only assume he cleaned himself well. Nick just frowned, trying to gain sympathy points from Clay.

"Hey! No! You kicked me in my balls why are you sad?"

Nick just grimaced and exited the bed. He mumbled out a small "kneed" and began to speed walk towards the door. 

"What did you just say?"

He cleared his throat, I said, "I kneed you in the balls, I did not kick you in the balls"

That was the straw that broke the camels back, instantly his boyfriend had attacked him and throw him back onto the bed, attacking his neck will tiny bites, making small growling noises as he did so. Occasionally he would pinch at Nick's sides, causing the both of them to giggle in laughter, until Nick pleaded for mercy and his boyfriend stopped his onslaught. They stared lovingly into each other's eyes for a while, before a phone call interrupted them. Clay hung his head in fake agony before he picked up the phone without even checking the name.

"Yello?"

Nick could here George's faint accent bleeding through the phone speakers. After he moved to America a while ago, he began to lose his accent, but it remained in the way that he spoke certain words. He could here him explaining something with his job, and then ask something about lunch. 

"Yeah Nick and I can come"

Apparently he was going somewhere, not that he knew where that was, but he was going. The conversation lasted for a few more minutes, before George said something along the lines of farewell and he abruptly ended the call.

"George wants to go get sushi from the local place in an hour" 

Nick's head spun to the clock, it was already 11 am, so it would make sense to be eating lunch in an hour. He nodded gently, before he stood up to go to the dresser and select clothes for the lunch out. As soon as he stood up, his boyfriend traveled instantly to the bathroom, the shower starting almost immediately after the door closed. Nick slipped on his clothes, slathered on deodorant and spritzed his cologne, and by the time he was done with that, his boyfriend's shower had ended. He walked out, butt naked, and began to look through the dresser. Nick's face flushed suddenly and he tore his eyes away from his boyfriend's indecency before he got himself into a situation he could not get himself out of within the hour. 

From then on the pair just looked at their phones, showing each other funny videos and photos, before they headed to the best sushi place, where they found George sitting in his car. Once they had all gathered, they instantly hit off conversation as they always did, finding themselves in a natural flow of how things worked between them. When the waiter came to the table, Clay instantly ordered for himself, two deep-fried California rolls for himself and two of Nick's favorite roll. Nick interrupted suddenly, requesting one, rather than two, which led to two confused matching looks from George and Clay, but he just went back to sipping on his ginger ale. George ordered some octopus sushi thing, and they all sat in silence for a moment. 

"You usually get two rolls don't you Nick?" George voice broke the silence, and Nick could see Clay nodding in agreement in his peripheral. 

"Yeah, I just don't think I'll eat that much today"

George seemed to accept that answer and seemed to find pleasure staring at the wall aquarium in the restaurant. Nick observed his friend. His perfect friend. Where Nick was chubby George was all angles, where Nick was too tan, George was beautifully pale. When he raised his arm, his wrist bones poked out gently, and the blue coloration of his veins was easily seen through his hand. He looked at his perfect boyfriend, staring at his phone, and his perfect friend, staring at the fish, and began to cry. Full out bawling at the booth. Being on the inside of the booth, he couldn't just escape to the car, and even if he wanted to, Clay had the keys. Both other men looked at him, then at each other, then at Nick again. They clearly had no clue what was happening, how would they? They just didn't realize they were perfect for each other, everything matched. A power couple in all definitions of the word. They didn't need Nick. They loved coding, and Nick was subpar, and they could talk for hours, and Nick just wasn't good enough for Clay in the way that George was. He wasn't as good as him, and he feared he never would be. He'd never be small and thin, with a perfect smile and sweet eyes. Never. Clay began to rub Nick's back, asking if he wanted to go home. Nick just shook his head and sighed. 

"I'm fine."

George perfect cute British voice answered, "I'm sorry man you don't look too fine" 

"I know I'm ugly at least say it nicely" 

George sat back shocked at that sputtering out apologies and other nonsense. Nick just let out a fake laugh and said he was joking, he was not. The group still remained tense, but after that it loosened up a bit. The sushi came and they ate in silence. All bidding farewell to each other at the door, before George split away to hop in his car and drive away instantly. Clay sat in the car a blank look at his face, before he just blurted out, 

"what was that?"

Nick couldn't tell him, he never would be able to. So he just made up a lame excuse about his grandfather that wasn't true, and sat back in the car seat. Letting himself wander in his own head about the flaws in himself, and the perfections in George. He didn't hate him, he never could. He was just better, and envy was beginning to eat away at Nick's soul, bit by bit. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my twitter : @surelynotcrazy


	3. love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'll love you until the sun rises it's final time

They sat in the parking lot for a few minutes, the silence overwhelming and making Nick's heart ache.

"What's wrong with Grandpa Jeb?"

Of course Clay would ask more, he wasn't just going to take what Nick said for gospel without explanation. There was nothing wrong with Jeb, but Nick needed an excuse to cry, and Jeb was a good reason. His grandpa was incredibly kind and accepting, he even told him about his sexuality before he told his parents. He had a little home out of the city, where he lived with a dog and a few cats, and grew tomatoes in a tiny garden behind his home. He was surprising healthy for his age, and loved Clay just as much as he loved Nick. With Clay's family nearly completely kicking him out, he had no family to run to, and soon enough Nick's grandpa Jeb became Clay's grandpa too. He was stupid to suggest Jeb. Clay loved Jeb, and Jeb loved Clay. Nick had just gave Clay owl eyes in return. 

"Is he sick?" 

Nick could see the worry building exponentially in Clay's eyes, he was not going to allow someone he considered to be close to him to suffer, especially not alone. He turned on the car with the lack of explanation.

"We are going to visit!"

Nick choked on his spit, causing Clay to pause to pat his back a few times. "No bub, he just passed out when he was home one day, and they when they checked he was just a little too sleepy." That was a horrible excuse. Now Clay looked as if he wasn't going to exit the car unless he was in Jeb's driveway. He felt awful lying to Clay. His loving boyfriend who praises the ground he walks on, being lied to because Nick wanted to be thin like George and that made him cry. Tears began to well up in his eyes, and he let a few fall for good measure. Clay's face softened immediately, as he began to gently kiss Nick's tears that fell down his cheeks. He put on his best puppy dog eyes and asked if they could "just go home". Clay seemed to falter a little, his mind obviously set on visiting the who he believed to be sick man, but at the sight of Nick, he was willing to ditch the plan. He put the car in drive, and began the trip back to their home. On the way there, Nick felt Clay's hand tapping his leg gently, giving Nick the feeling that he needed some type of contact. Clay's love language was undeniably touch, he spent every moment when he was with Nick touching Nick, and he hugged and kissed and cuddled like there was no tomorrow. Nick chose to interlock their hands, and he saw Clay mouth twitch up.

When they arrived at the home, Nick was quick to go lay on the couch, his body felt entirely too weak and his head was swirling. Clay immediately tried to cuddle, but Nick was laying on the thinner portion of the couch, so Clay's body would not be able to fit. Nick could see the cogs turning in Clay's brain. Suddenly, his eyes lit up and he leaned over Nick's resting form, giving him a kiss on the cheek, before he backed up, and picked him up. Picked Nick up. With his arms. Physically raised 200 pounds of Nick, above a solid surface, and had the balls to look absolutely proud about it. Clay just smiled down at his boyfriend, and began to walk to the stair case. Now Nick was panicking, he was too heavy, he knew it. Clay's jaw was tensed up, this wasn't just carrying a child, he was carrying a fully grown overweight man, and about to carry him up the stairs. When they reached the bottom of the stairs, Nick stopped Clay, and offered to walk himself up the stairs. All he got in return was a 'are you serious face' and a grumble. 

Nick just blurted it out, without thinking, "I must weigh too much at this point." Clay's eyes locked on his, and he blew a strong breath of air through his nose before he somehow flipped how he was holding Nick, making it so Nick was staring at Clay's back, instead of being carried bridal style. Now Clay's sharp collar bone poked aggressively into Nick's fat, and he could feel all of his chub pressing against his boyfriends perfect form. With that switch, Clay just began to walk up the stairs with ease, and when they reached the bedroom, he threw Nick onto the bed so aggressively that the bed shook. Instantly, he was all over him, kissing all over his face, and nuzzling his face into his jiggly stomach. When he was done doing that, he gently pulled at the bottom of Nick's shirt, asking him to take it off. He remembered what his stomach looked like in the mirror now. Stretch marks and a big belly button. Nick just looked at Clay as if he didn't understand. Clay threw his shirt off, throwing it in the general direction of the hamper before pointing at Nick. 

"I'm cold."

Clay sat there and rolled his eyes at Nick. Before he just pulled his shirt all the way up and pulled it past his limp arms. He looked unnaturally happy now, as he had just uncovered the greatest gift known to the man in the form of Nick's torso region. From there he began at Nick's barely visible collar bones, where he nipped lovingly, and left a few kisses. He went from top to bottom, stopping at Nick's hips, where he just gave a fat sloppy kiss to each invisible bone, before he traveled back up to Nick's face. He began to kiss Nick aggressively now, but before it got any more intense, he just chose to lay down next to Nick, tapping his chest. Nick sighed and rolled onto him, feeling his heartbeat against his cheek. 

"I love you babe"

The vibrations in Clay's chest made Nick giggle, but he gave a small "love you too“ in return.

"And you know I love all of you, right?"

That made Nick tense up enormously, the all portion of the sentence was the issue. Sure he might love a few things, but he doubted he loved the layer of blubber or the lack of good bone structure. He chose not to respond. Clay sighed, seemingly exasperated, and continued his sentence. 

"I'm always going to love you, Nick. You know that right?"

"Even if I weighed 201 pounds?"

"That is an oddly specific number, Nick" 

"I know, but would you love me?"

"I would love you if you were 500 pounds babe"

Nick sat up from his position, now straddling Clay, sitting on his hips. Clay adjusted a slight amount but didn't show any discomfort to the movement. Nick just pinched the fat that was on his stomach and gave Clay a look. Clay looked at his fingers, and then crunched his eyebrows together. 

"I don't think I understand"

Now Nick used both hands and squeezed all of the fat on his stomach, making a large amount of fat push through the spaces in his fingers. Clay still gave him a blank stare. 

"I'm chubby"

"What you are is cute, Nick. Now come here so I can cuddle"

Nick just sat still. "Do you think I'm fat?"

"I think you have the fattest ass in the entire state"

"What? No! Look at my chub!" 

That is exactly what Clay did, looked directly at his stomach. Then he just lifted his hand and brushed against his stomach gently. It jiggled softly with the movement. He returned to making direct eye contact. "I love you Nick."

"Bu-"

"I" He squeezed the fat on Nick's stomach. 

"love." He rubbed his hands over Nick's back.

"you." He pressed both hands firmly on Nick's thighs. 

"I love you, and I am always going to love you."

Nick just remained straddling him. Clay leaned up and pulled Nick down, and mumbled softly, "I can't ask for you to be better if you are already perfect."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> should you want to follow me on twitter: @surelynotcrazy


	4. sick (but not in that way)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no, he did not want soup and crackers. and no, ginger ale wasn't going to make him feel better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays! Just wanted to thank everyone who reads this work for their support :)

When Nick woke up the next morning, Clay's hands were gently rubbing his back, from shoulder blades to his stupid back dimples. Nick just groaned into Clay's chest, to which he received a chuckle that vibrated against his cheek. He glanced up, Clay was looking down at him, and the look in his face was nothing short of lovestruck. His pupils were dilated, corners of his mouth seemed stuck in a smile, and his cheeks were slightly flushed. As soon as Nick had shown he was awake, Clay began to hum gently, Nick recognizing the rhythm as one of his favorite songs that he had got Clay to listen to. Nick was happy, at the moment. After laying on his boyfriend's chest for a few minutes, still trying to wake himself up, he rolled off and onto the bed beside him. His partner looked lightly upset by the movement but took the opportunity to suggest breakfast. 

"Do you want pancakes, or something else?"

Nick remembered last night. He had confronted Clay about his extra weight, and he didn't care. But now it seemed as if he had completely forgotten about the whole ordeal. He was suggesting food and touching all over Nick. As if the night had wiped away every thought that had invaded his head before. Nick stared at the ceiling. He didn't need breakfast, that much was for sure. What he did need as an excuse for why he didn't need breakfast. He looked over at his boyfriend, and kissed him on the lips. He could feel Clay's smile through the kiss, and when they separated, he had a full grin and his eyelids were hardly open. He looked high on something at this point, but Nick knew deep down he was just happy. He was happy about his overweight boyfriend just because he existed. 

"I'm not feeling too good right now bubs"

Worry flashed in his boyfriends eyes, and he softly pressed the back of his hand to Nick's forehead.

"You aren't warm at all, maybe you don't feel good because you haven't eaten enough, since you only ate half of lunch yesterday." There was no judgement, he was just being inquisitive. It still struck a chord in Nick. That was possible, he had practically starved himself yesterday. But he didn't really feel hungry, rather he felt as if anything that went into his stomach would settled straight into his layer of stomach chub and not leave, and that thought made him sick. Regardless of his thoughts, Nick just turned over and nuzzled his face into Clay's upper arm. He felt his boyfriend's other hand messing with his hair, making small twists and releasing them. Nick felt content to just lay in bed and bury himself into his furnace of a boyfriend and not have to function at all. He could hear Clay sigh, before he slipped his arm out of Nick's clutches and rose from the bed. 

"I gotta go to the store for a few things" 

Nick did not know what he possibly could need, but regardless, he just wrapped himself up in the duvet and let himself be kissed on the forehead. He watched his boyfriend walk to the dresser and change quickly, before he walked to the bedroom door, giving Nick a small smile before he left. He waited patiently for the front door to close, and even after, waited five minutes until he absolutely sure that he would be alone. That is when he rose out of the bed, kicked off his short and walked over the mirror. Shirtless was one thing when he was looking at a mirror, but being able to see everything below the edge of his boxers changed his whole perspective. He was already aware of his thicker torso, but his lower half didn't make up for that. He had wide thighs, that shook when he took a step closer to the mirror. His calves weren't awful per say, but they matched his thighs in being wide. Having size 9 1/2 shoes, his feet weren't particularly large or small, but his long toes bothered him greatly. He just shook his head in disappointment at himself. He took a moment to consider everything. He had always been comparing himself to his godlike boyfriend, and his ethereal best friend, but never to others. Maybe they were just the extremes, and Nick wasn't all that bad in comparison. He was getting his hopes up he knew, but regardless he skipped over to his phone and opened the web. He realized that he didn't know what to search up. He just began with "gay man."

He walked over to the mirror while it loaded, and he was met with a reality that he didn't really want to see. He looked at the first result. He was adorable, with fair skin and a pretty sweater on. He clearly had makeup on, and his pretty blush fit his face perfectly. Nick looked in the mirror again. He wasn't thin like the person on the picture. His thighs were no where close to touching at all. He was all buff and large. He whimpered to himself softly, this was a bad idea. He kept going through the pictures, telling himself everything that was different between him and the beauties that showed up in the result. Just when he was about to give up, he found someone. This man was at least 6' based on surroundings in the picture. Definitely African, as he had the darkest skin he had every seen, but it had a sheen in the light that make Nick's eyes widen. He too was surely wearing make-up, as he seemed to have eyeliner on, and some sort of blush that made his cheeks shine more, but that wasn't what Nick was looking at. The man was wearing a skirt. And a crop top at that. But the skirt ended around mid thigh and showed off his thighs, just big thighs. They touched in the picture, even though his feet were separated, and Nick grinned. He didn't look at the crop top, he looked at the skirt. That man was gorgeous. And he was so confident in the picture, and he wasn't small. He was buff, almost like Nick himself. He must have spend ten minutes alone looking at the picture and then back at the mirror at himself. He wanted to be like that man, he was confident and he was strong and he was pretty like Nick wanted to be. He heard the front door open and he ended up throwing his phone aggressively across the room in fear, where it landed on the bed. He ran back to the bed, curling up again. He was expecting Clay to come back upstairs, but it seemed as if he chose to move to the kitchen. Nick just laid in the bed, heart racing, and the image of the man printed on the inside of his skull.

By the time he had relaxed completely, the bedroom door opened softly, and his boyfriend walked in holding a bowl of something and a glass of some sort of soda. He had a small smile on his face, and he placed both on the bedside table. He saw the noodles in the pot, and instantly recognized it as chicken noodle soup, and afterwards found the liquid to be ginger ale. He was expected to eat, he came to realize. He stood from the bed, and gave his boyfriend a huge hug, completely forgetting about his lack of pants. Clay noticed almost instantly, and he could feel his boyfriend trying to avoid his hands moving too lower down Nick's back. Nick just giggled, and pointed at his boyfriend to sit on the bed. He looked perplexed, but sit anyway. From there, Nick tugged at the hem of Clay's shirt, which he took off in a second max, and Nick sat directly in his lap. 

"Am I heavy?"

His boyfriend just rested his head on Nick's shoulder and gave a "nuh-uh" in response. 

Nick moved the soup to his lap, and realized that with Clay here, he was going to have to eat, at least a little. His boyfriend seemed happy to close his eyes and relax completely. The soup smelled good, like home, but it still made Nick's stomach churn. He picked up the spoon, and gave himself a small helping of soup. It was over from there, he instantly was ravaging the bowl, eating as much as he could without getting it all over himself, and when he reached the end, he just tilted the bowl into his mouth, letting the rest of the soup fall into his open mouth. He sat the bowl aside, which made him disturb Clay a bit, as he groaned softly but just readjusted himself and went back to resting on Nick's shoulder. Nick then grabbed the ginger ale, and sipped on it gently, finishing off the cup in a minute.

The second he set down the cup, his stomach began to churn, and he began to realize what he had done. He had an entire bowl of soup along with a soda. It did make him happy, but he didn't feel better now. That wasn't the type of sick he was. He didn't need to check his temperature, and he didn't need to eat soup. His mental state was sick. He was sure that it was terminal. It didn't want to stop, until Nick had starved himself so much he could see each individual bone, and until he could be picked up with ease. His thoughts were interrupted by Clay rubbing his hand on his body. His eyes were still closed, but he had the hint of a smile upon his lips. He thought about the man in the skirt, and stopped all the thoughts. He was going to be that. He stood up from Clay's lap, to which he received a pout. 

Clay stood up after him stretching his legs, which made Nick frown, but Clay just walked over and gave him a kiss. He pressed harder and harder, and Nick began to understand what he wanted, and he complied slightly to the movement. Clay then started to rub his hands over Nick's torso, traveling to this back to press their bodies together. Eventually Clay moved them back to the bed, pressed his lower region directly on Nick's leg. He wanted to do something just as much as his partner, but the next time they separated, Nick stopped him from going back in. Clay's irises were hardly visible, and his lips were a bright pink, finished off with the gloss of their mixed saliva. He huffed at Nick's abrupt stop, but did not go in again. 

"I know babe, but I just ate, that wouldn't go very well, don't you think?"

"I haven't ate" 

Nick full on belly laughed at that, kissing Clay again, before pushing him off. "You couldn't bottom even if you tried bub" 

Clay just huffed again, but accepted his fate, and waddled over the bathroom. 

Nick just laid in bed, suddenly feeling extremely tired. He laid down, and he heard the bathroom door open. 

He felt Clay lay beside him again, and he pulled Nick's body onto him, before they both tangled their legs, and fell asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if ya wanna follow me on twitter : @ surelynotcrazy
> 
> Also, if someone could tell me where or not this chapter is technically explicit I'd appreciate it, I don't think it is, but I want to make sure so if I need to change the rating I can.


	5. you are who you make yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> one thing was for sure, judgement was not coming anytime soon

When Nick woke up, he could tell from the breathing under him that Clay was still asleep. Which was good, because there was no way in hell he was going to announce to Clay that he was going to the store to buy a skirt. Even if he just said he was going to the store to buy vegetables, Clay would want to follow him around like a lost puppy that just needed a home. Nick was careful standing up, making sure that he was as gentle as possible standing up, as his boyfriend was notoriously a fairly light sleeper. As soon as he was standing next to the bed, Clay began to twitch around, so Nick slid a pillow into the space his arms, crossing his fingers and hoping for the best. Clay continued to move for around a minute, clearly just on the verge of awaking, but he stopped his restlessness eventually and seemed to go back into a deeper sleep. Nick let out a huge breath, a snuck over the the dresser, grabbing some pants that were easy to take off and put back on, and a loose T-shirt. He glanced over at his partner, who was strangling the life out of the pillow, and changed as quietly as possible. He just left his sleeping pants on the ground, before sliding out of the room. Even outside of the room he didn't feel safe making noise. He remembered one time that he woke up before Clay, and when he dropped a fork on the kitchen floor, his boyfriend had come sprinting down the stairs, heavily breathing and looking entirely crazed. He was going to avoid as much noise as physically possible, that was for sure. He avoided breakfast as he had been for around the past week, and just went straight to the front door. He grabbed the keys to the car, and very slowly opened the door, listening for any upstairs movement. He felt like a teenager sneaking out of their window to go to a party. Finally he just gently closed the door, locked it and stood in front of it. He silently cheered to himself, and jogged over to the car. He slid in the front seat, started the car, and instantly began to back out of the driveway. Out on the road he sang the songs on the radio softly to himself, and listened to the directions on his phone on how to get to the closest Target.

He finally pulled into the parking lot, taking the time to check his phone for any notifications. None. He knew Clay would be all over his phone as soon as he realized that his favorite human was gone, so he needed to make his trip quick. He locked the door of the car a couple times, before he sped walked into the store, and straight to the women's section. He just paced outside of the section, looking for a sign that would indicate skirts, before he saw a little rack to the far right that had a small sign on it that indicated skirts. He was lucky he came fairly early, as there was just about nobody there. All he could see from his sight was a worker that seemed to just be sitting on his phone. He hustled over the rack, and positioned himself so that he would see everyone who walked by the women's section, and began looking. He knew nothing about fashion, the colors that matched his skin tone, what size he would be, or what he was even looking for, but he was going to figure it out. First he found a long flowy skirt. It was pretty, that's for sure, and the fabric was super soft on his baby hands. But that was the same type of skirt his grandma wore to church, and that was not what he wanted, he skipped past those, and looked a collection of super tight skirts. They had a zipper on the side, and even though he was big, he couldn't even see a tiny woman fitting in those comfortably. He read the label, **Pencil Skirt** , whatever that meant, and skipped that section too. That's when he saw them. The skirts he was looking for. They were mostly solid colors, and when Nick took one off to examine it, it went to his mid-thigh. He read the tag on that one, reading **Pleated** with just as much understanding as a toddler. He just shook his head and searched through these "pleated" skirts. He found a nice skirt that he liked, and grabbed a couple sizes of that before walking as unsuspiciously as possible to the changing rooms. Luckily for him, there was nobody there at the workers' station, and he just slid into the hallway that had all of the changing booths. He chose a small one, and set down his collection. He slid his pants off, and looked the mirror. He looked weird just standing there in a shirt and underwear, and so he looked back over at the skirts. He picked the largest one he had found. All he found in terms of size was the number 16 printed on the tag, but no other indication. He bent over and slipped it over his legs. It went up easily. Too easily actually. When he pulled it up and let it go, it fell right past his hips again. He pulled them up again, and smiled at what he saw in the mirror. He was smaller than it. For once he felt, not big. He sat there giddy for a unnatural amount of time. He took off the skirt, and hung it on the hanger in the booth. He was still smiling as he picked up the next skirt. This one wasn't as easy to get on as the other one, but when he pulled it up, it fit snuggly against his tummy, and even though he had no natural curves, the skirt pushed gently into his sides, making his waist look more refined. From there the skirt flared out around his hips and end of the skirt was at around his mid tight, maybe an inch or two higher. He lifted his T-shirt up and held it under his chin. He smiled. The skirt made him look so, touchable. His thighs were on display, and when he moved to touch his waist, his hands followed the new curve that had been made. He jumped in excitement, pulling the skirt off, hugging it as if it was the best thing he had ever gotten. To Nick it was at least. He slipped his sweatpants back on, grabbing the rest of the skirts, and walked out of the changing booth. He put the skirts in what he assumed was the unwanted clothes bin, and skipped out. Right past a worker, who had a confused look plastered on their face, but let him be. He was practically running by the time he reached the self-checkout, and he had paid in what had to be the world record time. He sped-walked back to the car, giggling to himself. He felt as if he had just done something he shouldn't have, but it gave him such a rush that he wanted to do it more. 

He put the car in drive, and pulled out of the parking spot, driving slowly through the parking lot. He then started his trip back singing at the top of his lungs, a massive grin plastered on his face, until he got a notification on his phone. He glanced at it while he waited at a red light. It was from Clay. All it stated was "Where" no question mark, no other messages, just that singular word. He faltered, but just put the phone back down, going back to driving home. He anxiously worked the skin of his lips between his teeth. He wasn't quite sure why he expected his boyfriend to stay asleep the entire time he was gone, but his assumption was wrong. He hardly even realized when he pulled into the driveway. He took a couple seconds to compose himself before he walked up to the front door. 

Interestingly enough, the front door was unlocked when he shook the handle, and when he peaked his head in, he could see Clay, sitting on the couch. His arms were crossed, his brow was furrowed, and he looked as if he had just woken up. His hair was everywhere, and he still wasn't wearing a shirt. His eyes were squinting aggressively at Nick and his bag, but he didn't move at all. He seemed as if he had woken up, did a bloodhound search for Nick, before he just sat on the couch like a disapproving mother. Nick moving inside the door, closing it behind him. 

Clay's voice actually sounded injured when he started the interaction, with a small and broken, "where were you?" That wasn't much of a surprise, he could have told Clay he was going to the proctologist and he would have begged to come with. 

"I went grocery shopping" Nick's lie stumbled through his lips. 

Now Clay sounded less hurt and more suspicious. "You went grocery shopping for one bag of groceries?" That was a bad excuse, now he was staring directly at the bag. "And you went to Target? We live like four minutes from Walmart!" Yeah, a terrible excuse. He did grabby hands, "lemme see."

Nick thought this through carefully. Clay was faster, Clay was stronger, and Clay had fast reflexes. But he was sat on the couch, which was a fair distance from the stairs, which Nick stood right next to. He could probably make it up the stairs and into the bedroom as Clay was halfway up the staircase. But he needed to move quick, Clay was beginning to stand up. He looked at Clay in the eyes, and turned towards the stairs and began ascending as fast as possible. Behind him he heard Clay's loud footsteps crossing the living room and starting the stairs. Nick launched off the last step, running into the bedroom and slamming the door, locking it less that a second before his boyfriend starting shaking at the handle. All he heard from the outside of the door was nothing short of howling. His boyfriend was acting like he had just been left at the pound to rot.

"Stop it! I'll be out soon!" 

"Can I come in?" He was back to sounding hurt. 

"No, I'll be out soo-" He started wailing again. "I just need to take a shower!" Nick yelled over his boyfriend's onslaught of noises. That seemed to make him pipe down for a while, as he just groaned angrily and kept nudging the door. 

Nick went into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. He turned on the shower and looked into the mirror, his cheeks were flushed and his hair was disheveled. He slipped his clothes off and hopping into the shower. He wasn't actually in there to bathe actually, he looked over at the razor and shaving cream, and back down at his hairy legs. He was going to get it off, no matter what it took. Nick slaved over the razor and cream, until his legs were hairless from ankle to thigh. Which had to have taken at least 20 minutes, if not more. But now he smelled like man times 10. The bathroom smelled like shaving cream exclusively. He washed himself off quickly, and turned the water off. He dried himself off, specially patting his legs to assure there was no water left. He smelled too, his brain lagged, he smelled too manly in his opinion. Cologne would only make it worse, and so would his "winter ice" deodorant. (on the real who comes up with men deodorant smells?) He searched through the cabinet for a while, seeing if he could find maybe a mild deodorant. What he found was a cream colored bottle with pretty swirls and a fancy font printed on the front. He suddenly remembered where that had come from. 

Clay had tried his best to make his family accept them, but they refused. With Clay's clammy hand interlocked in his own, they had knocked on the front door of his families home. His father had starting yelling, which had made Clay pull Nick behind him, shielding him from the ugly scene. His father had stomped back into the house, and when he came back, he had thrown a lotion at Clay screaming "since you want to act like a fucking girl!" and slammed the door. Clay had looked distraught after than incident, but at least they got one thing. The lotion.

Nick opened the cap and took a sniff. It smelled very gently of vanilla, almost like birthday cake. It was good enough for Nick though, he rubbed it conservatively on his body, until he smelled in his opinion as if he had just walked into a bath and body works. From there he slid on the skirt. He felt very happy again. He held a huge smile that was practically glittering. He was happy with himself for the first time in a while. He had only brought the skirt into the bathroom, so he went back into the bedroom and picked a matching shirt, before he finally unlocked the bedroom door and swung it over. 

There Clay was laying on the floor like a dejected puppy. Moaning and groaning about the torture that he was being subjected to. He rolled over, finding himself staring straight up Nick's skirt. Wait skirt? Clay was on his feet in seconds, towering over Nick in a way that didn't make Nick scared. Clay leaned forward, and took a huff of air, before he pressed his nose directly against Nick shoulder and sniffed more. More and more. Nick just gently rubbed his head, letting him sniff him, even if it was quite weird. Clay backed up, and stared straight at Nick's new piece of apparel. His eyes were blown wide, and his pupils were very quickly taking up the space in his irises. "Skirt?" Clay was most literally talking in lowercase, seeming to have completely forgotten about the entire issue he was having before. To be fair, while his boyfriend was a sweetheart, his libido was sky-high. He was now pushing Nick back into the bedroom, practically undressing Nick with his eyes. He was mumbling nonsense, and moving quickly. As soon as Clay tried to push Nick on the bed, he flipped around and pushed his boyfriend on the bed, which he seemed way too okay with given his super dominant attitude. Nick pondered his next steps. He sure was confident. And Clay sure didn't seem to have an issue with it. Nick chose to straddle his boyfriend, his skirt falling in a circle over Clay's stomach. At that very moment, Clay was gone.

* * *

When Nick woke up, the first thing that he noticed was that he was being spooned, and the second thing that he noticed was that Clay just kissing his collarbone area repeatedly. "Hi"

Clay's head shot up, he looked way too happy at the moment. "I wuv you" 

"Urg you're such a sap" 

"I wuuuuuuuuuuuv you"

"I get it I let you fu-"

"I WUV YOU NICK"

Nick just sat there, resigned to the fate that he had secured himself. After a minute or two, he tried to stand up, but he stopped by the fact that his boyfriend's arms were essentially acting as a seatbelt. "You can let me go now." His boyfriend just held on tighter. "Like you can let me go I'm sure I'm fine"

Clay chuckled evilly behind him, but regardless let go of Nick. He huffed out a "thank you" and stood up proudly. That didn't last very long though. He instantly felt pain up his spine and his knees were very weak, and he fell to the ground like a puppet with it's strings cut. His boyfriend had the audacity to just grin at him.

"What were you saying?"

"Oh shut up" 

Clay was instantly in mass hysteria it seemed, thinking that this was the most hilarious thing he had ever seen. After he had calmed down, he looked at Nick with an interested gaze. "A skirt huh?"

Nick was still laying on the carpeted floor. "Yeah never doing that again" That got a reaction. Instantly Clay was acting as if the world was ending. Wailing and crying for mercy from the gods above. Nick picked himself back up off the floor, and crawled on top of Clay, who was staring lackadaisically at the ceiling. He nuzzled gently into his chest, which made Clay rub his hands over Nick's back. 

"But in all reality, I just don't fit a skirt"

Clay seemed to take a moment to think about that. Eventually he got his response, "You really don't think you look okay, do you?"

That wasn't exactly what he was expecting. He decided not to answer.

"The other day, you said that you were chubby, and I guess I just thought that you were just feeling bad about yourself that day- but you really don't like yourself" He took a pause, lifting his hand off Nick's back, placing it back gently, "You don't have to be 40 pounds to be beautiful Nick, you know that right?"

Nick just laid in worry on his chest, he mumbled out a small "but it'd probably be better."

"No Nick, it wouldn't be better at all! His voice was raising, and that was making it harder to lay on his chest, "you are the more gorgeous than you could ever ever see yourself to be"

"No but I-"

"Nicholas" That shut him up quick "I am going to say it how ever many times I need to make sure that it get through your thick skull" He took a deep breath. "You're always going to be perfect to me, I know you stopped eating breakfast and you rarely eat lunch. I know how you try to suck in and avoid laying on me, but you need to realize, I am always- and I mean always. Going to love you."

Nick just breathed in softly.

"What you consider as your flaws, is not what you think it is. They are just the things that make you what I want. I do not want a girl, I do not want George, I want you. If I didn't want you, then I do not know what I'd be doing here"

A tear began to drip down Nick's face. It laid to rest on Clay's chest. That is when he just decided to accept what was happening. He was being loved, and he wasn't going to be able to stop it anytime soon. 

"I know you don't love yourself, and you don't have to. I'll love you until you do. I promise."

At that moment, Nick was not sure if he really could say if he even like himself. Or how long it would take to admit that maybe there was nothing wrong with him. But at least he had Clay. He would be okay as long as he had Clay. 

He would always have Clay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want to follow me on twitter : @surelynotcrazy
> 
> I know this ending is super sudden and ultra stupid! Sorry! I hope you all enjoying reading it as much as I like writing it. Again, thanks to the person who gave the prompt, I do not know if they want me to shoutout them out or anything, but just know that it was a great prompt :D . I may be doing some more prompts in the near future, just depends on if people want to actually see me write more lol . To everyone who reached the end of the message / work , I love you, and good day.

**Author's Note:**

> le prompt: sapnap is being insecure about his body and he tries to hide that from dream but dream ultimately finds out and helps sapnap thru his insecurities, giving him praise basically


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